Don't Believe I Just Don't Want to Change

If things are not good as they are,

why not change them?

It sounds like a reasonable question.

If your job makes you miserable,
why not leave?

If a relationship is suffocating,
why not walk away?

If you are unhappy with your life,
why not start again?

When someone knows they are unhappy
and yet remains in the same place
year after year,

it is easy to assume:

They just don't want to change.

But—

has everyone who stayed
really stood between
“stay” and “leave”

and made a choice?

At Least I Know Where the Pain Is

Some people are afraid of change.

Not because things are good now.

But because even if things are bad,
at least they are known.

I know how this job
makes me miserable every day.

I know roughly what
the next argument in this relationship
will be about.

I know what my life
will look like
when I wake up tomorrow.

Sometimes,
even pain becomes familiar.

Familiarity does not make it
more comfortable.

It simply means
we know where it is.

The unknown is different.

What happens if I leave?

Will the next job really be better?

Will I actually be happier on my own?

What if I fail?

What if I regret it?

So sometimes,

we are not choosing between

“pain”

and

“happiness.”

We are choosing between

familiar pain

and

a future whose shape
we cannot yet see.

Staying suddenly becomes
a little easier to understand.

But Some People Aren't Even Afraid of the Unknown

Because they don't believe
that unknown exists for them.

It is easy to tell someone
who has been living at a low point:

You can start again.

You can leave.

You can find another way.

You deserve a better life.

Perhaps all of those things are true.

But to someone
who has lived the same kind of life
for a very long time,

“another kind of life”
may not feel like a frightening option.

It may not feel like an option at all.

They know that other people
live differently.

They know that some people leave
and begin again.

They know that some people
find work they enjoy.

They know that some people
are treated with kindness.

Those stories simply sound

like other people's lives.

**I know there are exits in this world.

I just don't believe
there is one for me.**

Change Is Not Free

And sometimes,

a person does believe
they could leave.

Leaving simply has a price.

Don't like your job?
Quit.

But what about the rent?

A relationship is making you miserable?
Leave.

But where will you live?

What about money?

The children?

Is there anyone around
who can help?

Going back to school takes time.

Changing careers may mean
starting again from the bottom.

Moving somewhere else costs money.

Building a new life takes energy.

“Start again”
sounds light
when it is only two words.

Actually starting again

can be very heavy.

So some people remain where they are

not because the pain
is acceptable,

but because:

this pain is at least
one they can afford.

What If I Really Can Change?

But there is another kind of change

whose cost is not the future.

It is the past.

Suppose I have spent ten years
being miserable somewhere.

One day,
I finally leave.

And then I discover:

life outside
really can be different.

Alongside freedom,

another question may appear:

Why didn't I leave sooner?

If today proves
that I really can choose,

how do I understand
all those days
when I believed I couldn't?

If someone treats me well today,

how do I reinterpret
all those relationships
I once explained away with:

“Everyone is like this”?

If I discover today
that I actually can do it,

what do I do
with all those years
when I believed:

“I can't”?

Sometimes change
does not only change the future.

It reaches backwards

and asks us
to reinterpret the past.

So some of the things
we have believed for years

may not merely be limitations.

They may once have helped us
make sense of
why we stayed.

That's just life.

Every job is difficult.

Relationships require you to endure things.

People like me don't have other choices.

If one day
those statements stop being true,

we gain a new path.

But we may also lose
a story we once used
to explain the past.

Walls

So,

someone may stay where they are

because they are afraid
of the unknown.

Because the cost of change
really is too high.

Because they have tried
too many times
and no longer believe.

Or because,
somewhere along the way,

they stopped including

“another kind of life”

in their idea of the future.

Some walls are real.

Money is real.

Responsibilities are real.

Circumstances are real.

Loss is real.

Not every difficult situation
can be escaped
by believing in yourself.

But when we have lived
beside a wall
for long enough,

something else can happen.

Part of the wall
may already have come down.

A door may have appeared.

Our abilities may have changed.

Our circumstances
may no longer be the same.

And yet,

we may still be living
according to the old map.

Don't Believe

Don't believe
I just don't want to change.

But don't rush to believe, either,

that if I were only
a little braver,

everything could change.

Perhaps the question
is not:

“Why haven't you left yet?”

Perhaps it is:

“What is still stopping you now?”

Which walls are still real?

Which ones used to be real?

And which ones

now exist only because
we still believe
they are there?

Maybe the hardest thing to change
is not simply the present.

It is what we believe

our future is allowed
to look like.